Keep your Sub Crawling Back: Dominance 201

So you want to be the Dom that keeps the Subs crawling back huh? Let’s get right on that!

First thing to consider is that domination itself is not a specific act but more of a context on how that act is applied. It’s a mood not a series of specific tasks. That being said domination can range the entire spectrum of everything sexual from pillow talk to things that could be considered torture in any other context. For the purpose of this guide, your safety, and  not scaring you away I will start with the most gentle stuff and move on up. This way while reading this, just like in the bedroom, you can go only as far as you feel comfortable with and stop.

Before We Begin

Before we get to far there are a few things to consider. Most of you may know this already but for those exploring this for the first time may of the things beyond this point run the risk of causing discomfort both emotional and physical. First you and your partner need to discuss these things and define your comfort zone. This comfort zone is not a goal for you to overcome. Domination is not about abuse, your goal is not to force your partner beyond their limits. When your partner hands over control to you it’s a major act of trust. When you disrespect those boundaries you disrespect that trust. Just because some acts are going well you don’t get to just decide to take it further to see what happens. You can always discuss new boundaries or ask for permission to do more. Taking things a step to far can lead to ruining the whole thing for your partner. This may very well mean no second chance.  When you hear lines like “The submissive holds the real power in a relationship” it’s because a good dominant knows the sub holds the brakes.

Safewords. Use them!

Speaking of brakes, you may have heard of the term ‘safeword’ which is the word used to bring things to a complete and immediate stop. This however is not the only thing you should be aware of. Not all problems are so clear cut even for the sub. You should make an effort to be aware of signs of them being uncomfortable or anxious. If they start to hesitate or look like they feel cornered then it’s time to stop and discuss what’s going on. The situation may be salvageable or it may be time to end the session.  When the safeword is used that means the session is over. You may discuss what went wrong but do not attempt to resume. The safeword is the all stop last resort. After this you need to comfort your partner making sure this is not seen as a failure. This may be a learning experience but it is absolutely not a mistake. Your partner needs to be comfortable using the safeword. They cannot do that if they feel doing so is the same as them failing you.

Be Considerate, and Understand Your Partner’s Needs!

Something that cannot be stressed enough is to consider that your partner is not the same as all others. This is a guide not a tutorial meaning you should use this as a means to seed ideas but not as a step by step how-to.  Some things on the gentle list may be off limits to you even though some more advanced or more aggressive things are great for you.

Let’s Get Started!

So enough of my rambling. You want to get to the details, right? ….Right? Well to bad here they are.

  • Kiss them like it’s your way to breathe. Grab them by the chin, the sides of the face, or the back of the neck and kiss them like your survival depends upon it.
  • Run your fingers through their hair. Stroke their scalp slowly for a bit then take ahold of their hair giving it just a bit of a tug. You can use it as a handle to gently steer then in the direction you want to look. It could be at you, or you could even turn them around so you can get in behind them.
  • Grope them. Not like you are trying to be sly about what you are touching. Grope them like you are claiming what you are grabbing. Lean in as you do and say something like. “This is mine now, what do you think about that?” Or perhaps something like “How are you allowed to have an ass this damn good?”
  • Pin them. Against the wall, on the bed, bent over a table or counter, on the couch or table. Even the floor if nothing sturdy is nearby. Whatever you choose be sure to remember this is not an attack it’s an extension of you laying claim to their body. Pin their arms either above their head or to their sides. Maintain control of their hands with one of yours. This may prove more difficult if you are female and your partner is male given they will usually be stronger than you. Part of how D/s relationship works is playing along.
  • Grind up against them. Feel free to seem eager; it’s not shameful or humiliating to display your needs in a situation like this. Taunt them a bit by telling them they did this to you. “You made me like this.” If you have a favorite part of their body you can say “This is what looking at your ___ makes me want to do.”
  • Keep them on their proverbial toes.  Some of the above suggestions are gradually moving from ‘warming them up’ towards the idea of adding shock value. Keep that up, don’t let them relax. Light scratching and spanking is a good way to keep the shock value up. The scratching is not about leaving marks, or inflicting pain. It’s about the sensation of the implied threat and the physical sensation of the creeping stimulation. Spanking should be seen in a similar light. You are not out to inflict pain or cause harm, however with spanking you should not be afraid to leave some temporary marks. Spankings should be alternated with rubbing. Give them a good smack then rub it to sooth it. As soon as they are just a bit too relaxed SNATCH their attention with another swat.
  • Your mouth belongs on everything. There is no part of your body which you can inflict more excitement or arousal with than your mouth.   Whether you are licking, sucking or biting there are many things you can do to your partner’s body and many places you can do it. Even if the place you choose that is not inherently sexually sensitive biting will still have the same effect, just larger, as the scratching did earlier.
  • Controlling your partner’s orgasms is a powerful tool. Both with the idea of teasing them and drawing it out, or inflicting orgasm upon them multiple times you can use this in several ways. The popular option is to make them beg for it while you draw it out making sure when you do get to that orgasm it’s a big one with a big impact. The other end of the spectrum is to TELL your partner when they are going to cum. This typically involves knowing your partner well enough to tell when they are ready. You might look like a fool if you tell your partner you are going to make them cum now then spent two minutes working hard to make your statement true. Then you get to decide, are you going to make them orgasm again? It’s harder to bring a man to a second orgasm than it is to bring them to their first. It’s also harder to bring them to a third than it is the second. But that’s no excuse not to do so.
  • There is no need to be patient. If you are wanting something swift and quick, or you want it to have the swift and quick feeling feel free to skip some traditional steps. If your partner is wearing some cloths that give you the options of easy access such as a loose fitting shirt, a skirt, loose shorts or a dress don’t let them being there get in your way. If there is something you can lift, push aside, or just reach into then do that. Sure leaving cloths on risks them getting a little messy or a big damaged but by all means don’t let some cloths ruin a good time. Even if your fun takes two hours leaving some cloths on can make it feel even more heated and hasty with just a touch of that ‘quickie on the dryer during the spin cycle’ sort of feeling.
  • Always keep talking. Sure I gave a less than exciting lecture about communication at the beginning but this is not the same thing.  This is about keeping your partner’s mind engaged. When you have them by the hair and you are directing them around tell them what to do even though you are already physically making them do it. When you are pleasuring your partner talk dirty to them. Ask them what they think about what you are doing, ask them how they feel about what you are doing. Not only does this keep their mind in the game but it keeps them from being able to predict or anticipate what you will do next allowing it to be a greater surprise and have a greater effect.
  • Do not forget to make your partner pleasure you. Just because you are dominating the situation does not mean you are the only one being active. Steer your partner to the floor while you tell them to pleasure you. If your partner is laying on their back walk around so you are over their face and tell them to those cute sounds they are making to good use. A good way of keeping them engaged can be to keep them busy too.

Getting a Bit More Frisky

Now I suppose you want some more aggressive options huh? I feel obligated to draw your attention back to the safeword and other similar safety content at the top. I will assume you are a reasonably responsible adult so instead of reciting it I’ll just get to the juicy bits here!

  • Gagging is a great and common one yet easy to improvise. Stuff their underwear in their mouth, a sock (if that’s a thing between you), or a belt. Gagging by its very nature it’s a debilitating act that is taking away your partner’s ability to communicate. This weakens their position putting them even more at your mercy but it also nullifies the concept of a safeword. If you take this route you will need to have an alternative signal in place putting a greater need on you to pay attention.
  • Bondage; such a big broad topic and likely the largest stereotypical activity aside from spankings. Bondage can range from fuzzy handcuffs, to Shibari, to dog suits. Bondage is mostly a tool to strip away their agency and put them at your mercy. Still it is required that at all times they have some way to signal you so they can stop this if they need to. So you may start with handcuffs to bind their hands limiting their control and making them easier to direct. Maybe you want to use this as a means to better pin their hands. Attach the handcuffs to the headboard so their hands are out of the way and yet both of your hands are free to roam, explore and claim their body. Or take it further by tying each of their hands and feet to a separate bedpost spreading them out completely. Whatever your choice is make sure they can always communicate with you. Don’t leave them unattended if they don’t have a way to get your attention.
  • Escalating the dirty talk is expected as aggression escalates.  Often as dirty talk escalates it becomes more degrading picking up more derogatory terms such as slut, bitch, slave and so on. While it may be tempting to take an aggressive stance with your degrading talk it’s good to remember there is the alternative of praising them for their deeds. Sure it implies the idea of treating them as a pet and praising them in a similar way you might an obedient loyal dog. So while it may be considered a patronizing when taken out of context your partner may respond better to the degrading praise than the degrading insults.

Up Another Notch

So are you satisfied with all of these ideas? Have you had your fill? Of course you haven’t. If you had you would not have made it this far nor would you still be reading.  I’ll tell you what, since you are such a good sport and you made it this far let’s take it up a notch and make it a little more interesting.

  • Taking control during sex is certainly more aggressive than ordering it and definitely qualifies for the next step in that sort of domination.  If they are giving you a blowjob you can begin to set the pace by forcing their head up and down along your length. If you are in a position that grants you more mobility you can instead engage in face-fucking. As the term suggests this means you are rocking your hips thrusting into their mouth. For the female Doms you will be limited to your own brand of face-fucking. Whatever method you choose here be mindful of your partner’s nose. It’s not a very playful piece of anatomy and it does not take well to being abused. There is another aspect you can explore to make their oral efforts more interest. That is to pull them (or yourself) away during. While they have the singular goal of making you cum with their mouth keep them from doing so too soon. Much like mentioned above where you draw out your partner’s climax you can do the same to yourself in this way by interrupting your partner’s efforts. Also, make them look you in the eyes while they work. Keep them focused more on you than the task at hand… err mouth.
  • Cum Marking and Facials is an extension of the gentler groping as means of claiming them or part of them. When you are nearing climax pull out, or pull off, of your partner. Then whether it’s their stomach, their back, their ass, their breasts or their face; when you cum on them make sure you tell them what you are laying claim to.  When you do this make sure they know it’s not about avoiding risk of pregnancy but instead it’s about you marking your territory. If your choice of dirty talk is more in the mindset of praise rather than degrading then perhaps you might choose to tell them how much better then look with some of you all over them. When you are done, make sure they use their tongue to clean you up nicely.
  • Tools and sex toys is a subject of near infinite discussion. An entire book could be written on this part alone so I’ll spare the both of us that. Be sure to consider your options here whether you are going for vibrators, beads and dildos or  ropes, gags, blindfolds and handcuffs for your bondage play or even just  paddles, whips, belts and kitchen spoons for spankings.
  • Take full control of their work by giving them orders. If they are masturbating or giving you oral you tell them how to do it, step by step. Make them acknowledge each command you give. It’s not just about them doing it it’s about them acknowledging that they are obeying. You could even take it a step or two further by making them refer to you by a title such as Master or Mistress and thanking you for the command.
  • Control their appearance. Be it just for the session or for the remainder of the day or even for days or weeks at a time. Direct them as to what they are to wear. Give them a collar; tell them they don’t get to have underwear anymore or just make them simply go naked for the rest of the day. Makeup, cloths and hair are all things you can make them change for you. If you have decided to have clothed or partially cloths sex you can even force them to wear the soiled clothing for the remainder of the day so they can feel and smell what happened even hours after it’s over.
  • Spanking is another thing that can be escalated by including additional areas such as thighs, breasts, and even the face. Just keep in mind the further up the body you get the more person it gets to be. Also the further up you get the more you should avoid using tools. An open handed or cock slap to the face is intense enough. Using whips or paddles to the chest or face is often enough more dangerous than this justified by the content of this guide.
  • General aggression can escalate here too. Early on it was suggested that you can pin your partner and pin their arms. This can be taken much further here such as pinning their face down while you fuck them from behind or twisting their arms behind them to keep them from having use of their arms or to even keep them from wriggling around much. Twisting their arms in such a way is something that is intended to immobilize at the penalty of pain. Be very careful at this time as it can be a fine line between playful struggle and a trip to the hospital if you have a partner that is particularly small.
  • Breath Play is one more of those examples where flirting with the edge of danger can be very exciting for some.  The scope of warnings and tips that could go into this is outside of the scope of this guide but there are some things to touch on. Never put pressure directly on the front of the throat as it’s easy to cause damage to that area. Some of which may not be fixable properly or at all. Also be sure to only squeeze from the sides and in short bursts. If your partner’s resistance begins to subside or they are no longer tense then there is a good chance you have already taken it too far. Be sure to give your partner at least a few good breaths to recover between rounds of this.
  • Leave your mark. Don’t be afraid to leave behind a little reminder of the fun you’ve had. A bite mark, a hickey, or something else similar and temporary. Just make a conscious effort to keep such marks out of places where they will be seen during your partner’s life outside of the bedroom.
  • This last one is aimed specifically at women dominating men.  Despite what is in popular media with depictions of women literally beating men into submission treating their whips, high heels, and paddles like weapons to overpower men through brute force. This does get a lot of attention but that’s partially due to it being the most extreme sort of stereotype. But as most women know, and as stated more than once in this guide, domination is as much about the mood as the action. If you are doing well he will obey your commands and he will respect you a lot more both in the bedroom and out of it than if you feel you have to beat on him to get what you want out of him.

Aftercare is Really Important

After a session has come to an end regardless of how or why it ended you should spend some time with your partner. Calming, communicating, cuddling, or whatever is available. Many of the tasks above are taxing and exhausting both mentally and physically. Some calm bonding time to wind down is a big deal that should not be neglected. It’s also a good time to get some feedback on how to make sure next time around is just a bit better. Find out what they liked, and find out what they didn’t like. Next time around add more of the former and drop some of the latter. Every successive session should build upon the one before it.

 

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