Know yourself… entirely.
It is important that you know who you are as a person, including your strengths and your weaknesses. .
It is important that you fully understand your personal views on life and relationships.
You need to be aware of the investment you have placed in your current relationship, and be able to anticipate what you are or are not able to offer to any additional person.
Be honest with yourself about your desires, and capabilities. Be a whole and healthy person.
Know your partner(s)… entirely.
In the relationship you have established, it is really important that you all feel you have accomplished an utmost healthy and loving connection together. You need to have a steadfast and wholesome relationship, that is well founded with honest communication. Enjoy and delight in one another.
Be on the same page… entirely.
Before you consider adding anyone else to your relationship together, brutally and honestly communicate about what this means to each of you.
Discuss short-term desires verses long-term ones.
Discuss how involved in your lives you wish for an additional person to be.
For many couples, having a play partner and extracurricular “friend with benefits” type is most ideal, and for many it would simply be far too overwhelming to have someone involved in their lives 24/7.
It is perfectly acceptable for you to recognize your ideal situation… it is necessary.
Also, be aware that bringing someone else into your relationship will not solve or fix anything. It is simply not the answer to any problem, unmet need, or personal kink.
Developing a relationship with another person will require work on both of your parts, regardless of whatever depth each of you choose to have with this person. It will be harder, not easier. You are dealing with a person, not a toy.
Get to know any new person… entirely.
As with any new person in our lives, often there is an initial time period where everything just seems wonderful.
As we all know from our long-term relationships, things do change in time as we get to know one another, and not necessarily in a bad way.
It is really important that you approach a new person in your lives with respect, and that you go through the natural and normal processes of getting to know one another.
There are no short cuts that work. Invest in this person as you’ve invested in your primary partnerships, especially if you intend for them to be a part of your lives for a significant time.
Be honest… no matter what.
Honesty does not make you less likely to attract your ideal addition… but misleading them does guarantee they will not stay. It is really okay if you are still exploring together, and trying to discover what polyamory means to you, but be open at where you are at. Be real about your experience levels and your expectations, interests, etc.
Be yourselves… always.
Put down the masks, facades, and fantasies. Your true self will always unveil in time anyway.
It is best to have a true and pure beginning.
Even if you wish to give a certain impression, or feel less than confident about various aspects of your personality or physicality… there is no substitute for “you”.
Any person who you desire to have in your lives for a relationship or even a friendship, needs to like and accept you for who you are… nothing less or more.
Causing them to fall for a facade is guaranteed doom… we can only put on the image we want for so long.
Don’t make commitments you cannot or are not willing to keep.
Broken promises are lies, and it really is that simple. Be realistic. Be prepared to accept the responsibility for the implications of your words and actions. Mean what you say and say only what you mean. Love is a strong word. A collar is not jewelry. Get to know one another well before even considering commitments.
Establish a human-human relationship before you involve BDSM or D/s.
We are all people, first, foremost, and always. We have all had individual journeys. We have our own perspectives, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and desires. We all deserve respect, love, security, peace, friends… we deserve the right to have our trust earned, our hearts won over, and our selves appreciated.
There is just so much to a person. It is sooo important to know who someone is as a person, before anything else. What makes them laugh or cry? What do they like and dislike? What is their favorite color, food, tea, author, place on earth?
These mundane, silly little things are a part of every one of us. It’s important to know, because owning or controlling another person demands you be intimate with them in every facet. Take the time to make it last. Friendship is a a priceless foundation.
Establish healthy boundaries… for all.
In polyamory, there are multiple relationships and varying dynamics happening all at one time. Every person within has a relationship with each person individually and all of them together. The more persons added, the more complex it all becomes and the more time must be invested to maintain the relationships.
However, it is of utmost importance that you take time for each person individually, understand the necessity for your other partners to have time together without you, and especially that you take time alone for yourself.
Have realistic expectations.
We all hope for happily ever after. This is true within our every relationship and friendship. When you have a wonderful primary relationship and so much love that you want to share it and encompass another in this beautiful thing you’ve created together… it’s a lovely sight, for sure.
But it is also unrealistic to expect to fulfill the every need of one another, or of any other person you involve in your lives. Many unicorn types are very polyamorous in their nature. Expecting them to love you and no other is a recipe for failure.
Be open to their needs.
Be open to your own needs together and apart.
Be open to necessary adaptations, changes, and growth.
Be aware that jealousy will happen, as well as other feelings, and must be worked through in a positive manner.
Have a trial period before any of you commit, and understand what everyone expects.
This is especially important in establishing what “type” of polyamorous situation you’re desiring. Many couples seeking Unicorns want poly-fi, or a closed triad. Some of us want the same, but some of us do not.
Discuss options, such as establishing the current relationship between all of you and then in a certain time frame considering adding another if you all agree. Find what works, but everyone must have realistic expectations, respect for one another, and commitment to the relationship at hand.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate!!!!!
We all simply must be able to connect, on every level. Especially intellectually. We must have common interests. We must be fond of one another and have a desire to build healthy relationships. We must be able to talk about anything and everything, including the hard stuff. Talking builds relationships. Silence builds walls.
This is a very good demonstration of character, and sets you apart. It is a sign of sincerity and positive intention, as well as maturity in relationships. It establishes a safety zone. It lets us know that you’re experienced, and that others have had positive encounters with you.
If you are polyamorous and involved in BDSM or D/s, having references for all of these is ideal. Of course, you may ask them of us as well and we recognize the importance of them. However, there is much more danger when you’re outnumbered… both physically and emotionally.
Now, we understand that ex’s are ex’s for a reason, and that relationships are private affairs in general. However, it is important for us to know that you haven’t, for example, had 20 something Unicorns trickling through over the last 5 years and a pattern of bad endings.
An acceptable alternative would be people in the community who have witnessed over significant periods of time your actions in relationships and in the community. How you live your life, and the people in your life, are naturally a reference to your character without needing a specific conversation.
If you live in integrity and honor, this will be apparent.
Understand Polyamory and be committed to it.
Read books on Polyamory! Get involved in the community, and with poly groups. Learn from every experience. Like everything else in life, we must gain knowledge through study and wisdom through experience.
The psychology and dynamics of polyamory are complex and intense. It is immeasurably important for anyone seriously participating to have a foundation and educated perspective.
Taking on multi-faceted and multi-dimensional simultaneous relationships without this, is equal to wielding a whip you’ve never touched before on someone you just met. Dangerous. Respect lives, and hearts.
Have your life/lives together.
You shouldn’t be pursuing anyone else or adding anything else to your life if it isn’t.
Your relationship needs to be stable, to a tee.
You need to have your household in order.
This doesn’t necessarily mean owning a house. It does mean being in a stable and comfortable situation with your jobs and finances. The fact is, money and jobs are often a point of stress in relationships. That stress issue needs to be resolved before you bring anyone else on board.
We understand and agree that in a polyamorous household, everyone should contribute and we don’t by any means expect to be supported. The issue is more in line with you being able to support yourselves.
Bringing someone on board because you need another person to contribute financially and you feel it will help your household stabilize, for example, is not a positive situation for any additional person to come into. No relationship is on good footing, of any sort, if you “need” the other person.
You need to be okay, financially, psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically… before you involve yourself in a relationship. Same with us. This gives it the best chance for all of us.
Be prepared to meet the emotional needs of another person.
As complicated as it may seem to add another person into your lives and your current relationship(s), please realize that it is oh so much more to take on for the person coming into your lives.
You are each learning one new person, while having the security of your current partner already, but this one person must learn multiple people at once and take significant heart-level risks without pre-existing support.
Coming into an established relationship requires personal strength, bravery, audacity, self-awareness, and a genuine desire and passion for polyamory. We need your support.
Understand that relationships are different between different people.
Hearing any phrases remotely similar to “You must treat us equally; submit to us equally; have an equal relationship with both of us” etc. cause many a Unicorn to withdraw.
All relationships are different, and while we understand that all primary partners need to be respected and a relationship with them each individually is necessary, we cannot humanly guarantee exact equality in love or submission.
However, we fully understand that at no time is there an excuse for us to disrespect or mistreat anyone. Clearly we have chosen a polyamorous relationship, and if we at any time no longer desire a relationship with one of you it is likely a cue for a graceful exit.
Make sure you are compatible for the long term.
Sometimes love just catches us by surprise. We find people that we really desire to have in our lives, and we think “forever”.
The truth is that none of us can, humanly, promise forever.
Sometimes love is amazing enough that it’s worth making incredible sacrifices for. In most cases, we cannot truly be happy or fulfilled unless we are having our needs and desires met. This is why getting to know one another is so very important.
What are your life goals? Dreams? Educational pursuits? Are there family commitments or conflicts?
If, for example, you as a stable and well established couple in a community you love and in career paths that fulfill you with family and friends desire to enter a relationship with a female submissive who is going to need to attend medical school in another state and dreams of traveling across Africa with Doctors Without Borders for a year of her internship… well, clearly there is conflict.
Will a long-distance relationship for several years work for you? Finding common goals and interests is important, but if you do want one specific person regardless of their personal endeavors and needs… you must find a way to make it work in a healthy manner for all of you.
Never let us feel like we are less important, less loved, or less welcome because we came later.
This is the primary source of much Unicorn uncertainty and insecurity. Welcome us, be warm and sincere. Devote yourselves to us and include us in your lives. We want you to be happy, too, and that means that we must feel that we add to your happiness.
We shouldn’t have to wonder if you will remain in our lives, or whether we will be “discarded” at the first sign of trouble simply because we weren’t part of the original established relationship.
Don’t judge based on past experiences.
Let’s face it, most of us have a reason to be jaded. We’ve all been hurt, let down, damaged, lied to, manipulated, insulted, abandoned, the victim of drama, etc.
All of us, as humans, tend to react to new situations and people based on the past.
It would be irresponsible, negligent to our own personal health and well-being, and unappreciative of what we’ve survived, conquered, and grown from to disregard our past experiences.
However, we simply must all learn to decipher. When you enter a new relationship, give them a fresh canvas in your life. They are not the people from your past. Open your heart, and take a chance.
Realize that you get back what you put out.
Positivity draws positivity; negativity draws negativity. Put your focus on what you want to attract into your life. Instead of thinking about everything you’ve disliked or that you do not want, focus on what you would really like and what you want. Treat others well. Live your words in your actions. Be someone worthy of the person you’re seeking.
Just because someone is not compatible with you does not make them a bad person, bad submissive, or bad addition to a polyamorous family. Talking negatively about someone and trying to convince others to avoid them is a sign of insecurity, immaturity, and interpersonal instability.
Put your energies into finding the right person for you, and move forward.
When a Unicorn hears the negativity, we are very likely to be skittish around you because it makes us wonder if we’re going to be good enough and how you are going to be talking about us if we don’t find ourselves compatible after an exploratory period.
Find the good in people, and speak of the positive experiences you have in life.
Things that send us Unicorns running away…
- Discovering that you and your primary partner(s) do not share the same desires for adding another person.
- Discovering that not only do you not share the same desires, but one person is either being coerced into allowing it or feels guilty over a certain need their partner has and that they cannot fulfill and are therefore agreeing. Or, the worst, a Dominant forcing his submissive or slave into a poly situation regardless of her feelings or wishes.
- Discovering that the present relationship(s) are not as stable or healthy as said to be.
- Discovering that anyone is being less than themselves.
- Discovering that anyone is being less than honest, open, and communicative.
- Discovering that your standards and ideals are adjusted for each person you meet for a potential connection, because you just want someone so badly.
- Discovering that you said whatever we wanted to hear to acquire us.
- Discovering that you are “just experimenting” but failed to openly disclose this.
- Discovering that you don’t really want an additional relationship… you want a free maid, babysitter, cook, sex toy, etc. whom you can ignore except to issue commands and use as you wish.
- Not feeling genuine warmth and connection with either or both of you.
- One partner consistently commenting on our lack of “equality” because our relationship with the other is of some nature different or closer and we are therefore not treating everyone the same.
- Having trust and/or submission demanded.
- Having limits pushed too fast and too soon.
- Insta-collars of whatever label.
- Unstable hierarchies. If you are both Dominant to a submissive, then in that submissive’s presence both of you should always be so. A Dominant male putting his switch partner in her place in front of their submissive is inappropriate and disconcerting to say the least.
- Instability, in general.
- Feeling that you expect instant relationship success.
- Hearing any phrases remotely similar to “I have the final say over everything in this household; My word is law around here; _____ answers to me alone but he/she absolutely answers to me” from either or any partner. Having to wonder whether this person will try to control the relationship between other persons or will end the relationships altogether is stressful.
- Consistently having to wonder whether those in the relationship are actually committed to having another person in their lives and/or whether they are committed to us specifically.
- Gossip, quickly taking sides, jealousy, or other exclusionary behaviors.
- Drama. Specifically drama within the relationship regarding us, such as fights between the primary partners about us.
- In any way interfering in our freedom to communicate with our friends, family, and others whom we cherish.
- Jealousy. It’s natural, but it really must be worked through. You saying you never get jealous, is a red flag.
- Insufficient communication.
- Negativity and pessimism about life.
- Judgmental attitudes towards others who have different thought processes, experiences, belief systems, interests, kinks, etc.
- Discovering that you don’t really have your lives together.
- Hearing you talk trash about others, especially other relationships you’ve been in. It makes us wonder. Rational, honest discussion is different.
- Discovering that you have no prior experiences in polyamory, or have never had a submissive together if you’re intending to take it to D/s. This absolutely * MUST be brought up first conversation. Very few people are willing to be a first experience… it almost always ends badly, and it takes a special person to be willing. Take the high road, and be honest.
- Feeling trapped, corned, pressured, or otherwise uncomfortable or unsafe.
- Having it insisted upon that we meet in private, rather than in public locations, within the first few encounters.
- One partner not being actively participant in the process. Common example: * The female partner being unavailable to talk on the phone, or “at work/sick/busy/out of town” during meeting… to the point that it’s logical to question whether the other partner exists whatsoever. Everyone needs to be involved. No excuses.
- Online connections that fail to lead to phone conversations and in person connections within a reasonable period of time.
- Discovering that you decided to surprise your partner by retaining a relationship for you and her.
Polyamory: The ability and desire to simultaneously participate in loving, healthy, and devoted relationships with multiple individuals… with the open knowledge and willing acceptance of all persons involved regardless of their roles or relationships to the various other persons. This may, or may not, involve sexual connection within any or all formed relationships.