July 11, 2014 at 5:08 pm #2370
My husband suffers chronic pain and depression and isn’t interested in sex at all anymore, and his only rule for me playing with others is not to do anything that would piss me off if he did it. Right now, I have very little emotional support from him, so I am very jealous of any of that kind of attention he may have to give. This makes my rule that I can play casually but nothing more, which in general I’m okay with.
I had gotten back in touch with old friend who I really click with, and for the past month, we’ve been talking online for hours every day about our mutual interests, one of which is sex, so it usually gets outrageously hot and descriptively interactive. It is a gift beyond even being wanted, to be able to tell someone you want them without fear or embarrassment. Now I’m thinking about him all the time I’m not actually chatting with him, and constantly being focused on saying just the right thing to turn him on even more. How do I do that and not get emotionally involved? How do I keep it casual?
We live pretty far apart, and had plans to meet in about a month and put all this heat into action, but then he tells me that another lady he sees occasionally is having a really rough divorce and has asked him not to have sex with anyone else until she is stable. I flipped out. I hadn’t realized how desperately I needed this, or how invested I was. He assures me that it’s not “no”, just “not yet”, so we’ve continued, but last night I needed emotion, not just sex, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. I want to be able to say to someone that I love them AND that I want them, but if I can’t have that both in the same person, I need to know how to compartmentalize better. How do YOU do that?
July 17, 2014 at 5:39 pm #2514
- This topic was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by Dooloverity.
A good book on recreational/non-relationship sex (aka swinging) is “Together sex”.
Poly is having multiple relationship, it does not means that there must be on equal footings, I have learned that everybody is different and each situation is unique so no need to fit yourself in a one-size fits all.
What you describe are two relationships. One can say that it is unfair to place the burden of fulfilling all of your needs on one relationship, for exemple you might want a hiking partner or a sex partner if your relationships do not fulfill these needs. Onnthe other hand if a relationship becomes empty you might consider moving away – loving the person is not a good criteria for deciding to stay with somebody, but it can be a factor. I know I love a good number of people and want them to be happy, but that does not mean I want or can live with them or even have a continuing relationship with them, even if they state that this would make them happy.
In other words, you have to decide what to do. First be happy, then decide what relationships you want to have, then find non-relationship partners for the remaining needs.July 17, 2014 at 5:55 pm #2515
Yep that’s the line alright. If you’re going to keep it all about the physical sex you need to do just that. You can’t have long conversations and get all hot and steamy all day long. If you’re spending hours connecting with the new guy and not with your husband it’s no wonder your connection is shifting. It matches your attention. Now there isn’t much wrong with having that emotional connection as long as your husband is ok with it. That is the difference between swinging and polyamory. Have you shared all this with your husband yet? Not doing so crosses the line between Polyamory and cheating. Maybe your husbands reaction will surprise you. Maybe he will step up his game at home or maybe he’ll be really happy for you.
I’ve always found that exclusion is the best way isolate someone. Lol Isolated lovers don’t stay that way for long (stay lovers that is). Best bet is to talk with him tell him how much you need him and this guy while nice is a poor replacement for the man you love. Let him know you understand that he can’t do what you both really want/need because of his injury but you’d like him to be involved some how. What ever way he’s comfortable with. Maybe he will want to know all the details or want to take pictures of it. By integrating him in a way you’re all comfortable with and having open communication you can foster a healthy new reality where you satisfy your needs and express love and respect for your ailing husband.
Hope that helps.July 17, 2014 at 6:00 pm #2516
Not like titles or categories really matter for this conversation but I would say your bouncing on the line between an open relationship and a poly relationship.
To me it sounds like your really in the danger zone with your relationship. If your relationship is the most important thing do yourself a favor and cut the other guy loose asap. no contact. Normally I would never say that. But I also do NOT recommend Poly, Open, swinging etc to fix a current relationship. Your getting emotionally involved partly because you want to. You need to take ownership of that. Partly because there is a void, partly because of other reasons like the newness of it, etc.
In the 12 years I have been swinging I have seen many a poly relationship fail. Love triangles are not easy to handle. In fact never have I seen one succeed. But again finding myself slightly off topic.
I think you should date multiple men for the fun of the quart-ship and sex. It really needs to be enough people that you do not think about any of them in a way that threatens your relationship until you get a hold of those feelings and how better to compartmentalize them.July 17, 2014 at 6:04 pm #2517
I met back up with a vanilla friend/co-worker I hadn’t seen in years at a swinger party and exchanged numbers. It quickly turned from old friends catching up to thousands of texts a day and quickly developed into a relationship of it’s own. My husband and his wife weren’t comfortable with it (understandably) and we tried at least 5 times ver the corse of 3 years to cut eachother out. We just couldn’t give each other up because the connection became too strong. Fast forward a few years and we’re both divorced and living together. I’m not saying your situation is the same but I remember flat out lying to myself and others by saying that it wasn’t that serious.
My advice would be to be honest 1st and foremost with yourself (because that’s who it seems like you’re deceiving right now), and then with your husband. I don’t know how it will work out for you but it’s got to be better and healthier than years of lies and mistrust.
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