I do use the terms primary and secondary. I also tend to get involved with my partners in a D/s familial dynamic. So while the heads of the family may be primary to each other and I am secondary to them, they as a unit can be primary to me. Very confusing to those not in the relationship sometimes.

I will also use it as 1WickedLush does and use it to indicate levels of entanglement on a legal level, but again as he says various levels of entanglement can occur with many partners so the term gets a little fluid in that regard as well.

Use of the terms “primary” and “secondary” to describe poly relationships

Do you use these terms?
Yes.

Why or why not?
Same reason you’d use any word – in context with people who use that word as I do, it’s shorthand.

What do they mean to you and your partner/s?
They describe the levels of interwoven lives and commitments we’ve chosen to share.

What has been your experience with them?
They tend to upset people who are being described as filling a role they find doesn’t fit their needs or perhaps doesn’t fit the situation they’re actually in.

They tend to work for people who are comfortable in their relationships and occasionally need a descriptive word to explain the way a particular relationship is functioning at this time.

How do you feel about these terms? Do you have any opinion about other people using them?
They don’t bother me per se.
I find I have stronger negative feelings when other people use them to force a role or demand control over the emotions of another.

How do non-polys react when you use these terms?
Same way poly people do – with a variety of assumptions, preconceived notions, and their own history and experiences coloring their world view.

I don’t use the terms because too many people use them in too many different ways. I find them too ambiguous. For some people these words hold meanings that don’t apply to my life. I don’t want to use words which could be interpreted as saying something about my personal life that is not actually true.

When it comes to emotional issues, as much as possible, I like to use clear, precise, unambiguous, easy to understand terms. Due to the nature of language, this is never 100%, but it’s easier to do when using words that I and the people in my life have a shared meaning for. (Such as girlfriend, boyfriend, spouse, friend, etc.)

Do you have any opinion about other people using them?
Not much. The context of the words usually tells me what is meant, rather than the words themselves.

How do non-polys react when you use these terms?
In my experience, they thought of a “primary relationship” as something that a person can only have one of, and as the only real relationship.

I only use the terms when talking here on Fet about the concept of one relationship being more entangled than another. In my own life, my husband and I have many friends, some of whom are closer than others, but either we’re referring to the people by name or else there’s no need to specify anything beyond “friend.”

I think primary denotes an ultimate level of commitment such as marriage. When you are that committed to someone it tends to involve more than just emotional support. It usually involves finances and a domestic partnership, maybe children, etc. It is in one’s best interest to nurture and preserve the primary relationship, even at the expense of secondary relationships if needed, (so long as the primary is still a healthy and viable option, sometimes you just need a divorce). Ending a primary relationship tends to majorly disrupt one’s life in more than emotional ways.

This does not mean that one cares for secondaries any less, or thinks of them as less important of a person. It just denotes levels of commitment. In fact I think most secondary relationships go better if both of their primary relationships are healthy.

I don’t think everyone needs to use these terms, as not everyone truly has a primary or wishes to depend on another for non- sexual/emotional life needs.

polyfidelity or closed poly is when everyone involved agrees that no new relationships will be formed. Mostly, although not always, this involved tight-knit groups where everyone is dating everyone else.

If you want the term specifically for two people who both start dating a third person, so you have three people all involved, that’s a triad

If there is a couple who want a third sex partner but not a an emotional connection, that’s a threesome.

I use the terms “primary” and “secondary” to talk about degrees of life entanglement. For me, a primary is like a spouse or partner – someone you live with and share major decisions with. A secondary is like a boyfriend or girlfriend – doesn’t mean you love them less but you probably have separate finances and living space.

With that being said I don’t usually say “My secondary X…” I just say boyfriend, or girlfriend, or sweetheart, or whatever.

I have also seen – and like – the terms “domestic” and “feral” poly to talk about whether you have a live-in relationship.