Do you use these terms?

I usually try not to.

Why or why not?

I feel like it is slightly dehumanizing to my partners to try to “nail down” (if you will) a fluid relationship in such a way. There are instances for the sake of someone understanding that I am forced to use them, but I usually state how uncomfortable I am with using those terms.

What do they mean to you and your partner/s?

If I’m talking about my “Primary” would be the person that I have “heavy” life investments or entanglements with, such as has been stated before (marriage, shared expenses, things that are quantified as “normal” family stuff). The “Secondary” would be my other Boyfriend or Girlfriend, these are the people that know that I love them in my own way and that each of them have a special place in my life. However, there is also the understanding that if my “Primary” needs me those needs will come first. Usually this causes no issues for me, because I have been blessed with a partner who understands my needs as far as my perceived freedom goes, and does not invade my time with my “secondary” relationships.

What has been your experience with them?

My experience has been varied some take the terms at face value and others don’t, it is just a matter of finding a wording that makes everyone comfortable if not happy. The best compromise is where everyone is mostly content. (I mean really you can’t please everyone, though you sure as hell can try)

How do you feel about these terms?

As I said before I find them slightly dehumanizing considering how fluid human relationships are. The most important thing, in my opinion, is making sure your “secondary” knows they have a place in your life and that the place they have is special and important.

Do you have any opinion about other people using them?

The only preference I have is that people use them as infrequently as possible.

How do non-polys react when you use these terms?

My experience has been mostly shocking, I have several open minded friends that accept it, but there is always the donny downer. One of my closest friends from high school has “forbade” me from talking about any of my boyfriends and girlfriends to her, “If you must talk about them refer to them as friends and that is it.” is what she says. She loves to hear about my Fiancee though… it is all about perspective I suppose.

If I’m getting the gist of what you are saying correctly, labels more often than not obfuscate rather than clarify, so they should be used sparingly, but are occasionally necessary. I like this take on it, and would have to agree.

We use the term primary to describe me, the wife. Because as someone mentioned earlier, the legal entanglements it involves.

I hear ‘primary’ and think ‘favorite’, which I find somewhat hurtful. My partner and I try hard not to use these terms, yet find it tough because the fact of the matter is that, with his other relationship, there are various entanglements. I believe I would thrive best in familial poly situation, no question, but for now I try to work on not concerning myself with labels like these that have a negative meaning for me personally.

As far as others go, I don’t judge them based on what they do or don’t label their partners.

I have a Polyamory relationship. I have been with my mate for going on 6 yrs and then I have my boyfriend who Ive been with going on 3 years. We all live together but boyfriend had his own room. My mate is my main but if people ask I just say I have my fiance and I have my boyfriend.

I find inherently problematic using the term “Secondary” to define or refer to relationships because of the hierarchical preference it insinuates. For me, the “Primary” is the person I feel most connected to, a stable person that I have a deep intimate and trusting relationship with and can return to as a source of support. (“the person I make the rules with”) but I prefer to have a mutual understanding of where things stand and a continuous dialogue as things change instead of calling them a “Primary”.

The use of terms like “secondary” or “tertiary” seem to insinuate a tier of preference in terms of fulfilling needs. I understand how the language can be useful to poly couples or families with more structured relationships (or hot in a D/s context), but I prefer to keep an open dialogue with all partners as our relationships and needs/desires evolve. This can be tricky because everyone’s understanding of and associations with terminology used may differ somewhat, but open discourse is essential to making any relationship work, poly or otherwise.

For me it is important to let the 3rd person know that they are getting into a “Secondary” relationship to be sure it is what they want. My “Primary” relationship is a very involved one and we have major and minor life decisions that we make together, they may sometimes affect our “Secondary” but they are our decisions to make between the two of us. Why would we want to add any stress to our “Secondary” relationship, I think “Secondaries” should be more about enjoying life simply