I prefer not to use such terms but rather call people by their current roles in my life.

Like this … X is my co-writer and boyfriend, Y is my husband and we own property together, etc. Who’s primary? Primary in what regard??? Y is primary when it comes to helping me decide kitchen renos, X when it comes to plot-lines, Y when it comes to decisions about electronics, X when I want to talk about social issues etc. etc. other people I’m not even in romantic/sexual relationships with are primary in other ways.

Let the chips fall where they may …

I am in the first year of my first poly D/s triad. I’m not a fan of using labels, but if we don’t use them, how do I get introduced to their friends? in this situation, it would really help define our convoluted multi-level dynamics among the three of us. They would help sort out the ambiguity of our roles.

I have a wife of 20+ years, a girlfriend of 10+ years, and have had several girlfriends/lovers over the last 30+ years. I can only remember a ~6 month period in my dating life when I was NOT poly, and that’s a story for another day/thread.

I love my wife and girlfriend equally. My offspring (Through wife) are in adulthood now, and have enjoyed seeing my girlfriend as well as her (recent) husband when she or they came by. It was an honor to be a member of their wedding party.

I’m not a fan of these labels either. I don’t believe that my girlfriend uses them either. At least, I haven’t heard her or her husband do so. After such a long time together, perhaps we don’t need to? She has always been my girlfriend and I her boyfriend. And our spice (Plural of spouse?) are either husband or wife accordingly.

What I would love to read, however, are stories from others about reactions and how introductions have been given to friends and family? (Obviously, from those who are already “Out” to these people.)

In my case, we are not out only with one set of family out of the four. It is a little tough on the one whose family is “In the dark”, but unfortunately, necessary. 🙁 Everyone else has had their own reactions to the news when it came, but all have seem to come to except it. Many have openly praised it.

I’ve been finding that I do use the term “primary” sometimes to refer to my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for longer, used to be monogamous with, and with whom I’m raising a child. What I like about the term is that it lets others know she’s not my only partner, and since we’re not actually married it’s more technically accurate than calling her my wife. But I don’t refer to my boyfriend as my “secondary” partner; I just call him my partner or my boyfriend. I don’t like the hierarchy that the terms primary/secondary imply, and I try not to invite that level of categorization into our lives.

I hate the term primary and secondary and i do my best not to use them. I find it easier to either call them by there names or by there hair color when im talking about them to another person.

I have not used those terms but realistically that is what the relationships were all about. Both relations were where she pursued others on a regular basis, in other words each of my marriages were that way where she/they could date men as they wished. I chose not to date others but still had some liaisons where me and certain men would engage in adventures, so that is why I am saying we had primary (each one of us was our primary) and secondary relationships were where she exercised her right for extra marital (what some would call them) relationships. We both enjoyed the fact we were not indulging in situations where we had to hide things from the other or lie one to the other. I hope this helps in the discussion.

I am poly and I use primary and secondary titles just as anither member stated….not only to differentiate the level of entanglement but my level of priority and commitment … my primary girlfriend and I share a home…my secondary is in another state and one in another city

I dont much care for the terms but I understand their use in establishing a commonly easily understandable concise method of communicating meaning regarding something which can be complex to convey using other terms such as partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, lover etc.

I think my objection comes from the value which seems to go with the terms; that primary is more important and secondary sounds like some kind of afterthought. My relationship in a triad is not an equal one. In that they are married to each other, live together and although we share each other, enjoy shared time and intimacy together, I am very much separate to their unit together. However I don’t consider myself secondary in terms of value. Our relationship with each other as individuals is different and different again from our relationship together as a three.