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NesseryParticipant
OK Cupid is the one I am on.
I read Craigs List all the time but am too timid to actually respond to anyone on thereBeell1979ParticipantIn our relationship, there IS a primary and secondary role, I am married to a man, then we have a girlfriend, so she is currently secondary, since we have not been with her long and are still entangling ourselves with her.
However, we don’t use those terms in conversation. We know her as our girlfriend, as things grow and progress we would say “lover”. We don’t even use those terms with one another, we simply realize that we will more than likely never fall in love with anyone as much as we have with one another, though we do believe we can and will fall in love with another woman, if that makes sense?
Then again we aren’t going huge with how many relationships we have, so maybe in larger poly groups those terms are easier to use and easier to make connections between the people.Answashe87ParticipantI prefer not to use such terms but rather call people by their current roles in my life.
Like this … X is my co-writer and boyfriend, Y is my husband and we own property together, etc. Who’s primary? Primary in what regard??? Y is primary when it comes to helping me decide kitchen renos, X when it comes to plot-lines, Y when it comes to decisions about electronics, X when I want to talk about social issues etc. etc. other people I’m not even in romantic/sexual relationships with are primary in other ways.
Let the chips fall where they may …
GrevinatMemberI don’t use terms like that. I have a boyfriend(my other half) and normally a girlfriend. They are my partners. Each has an importance in my life and they know they both have to respect each other. Honestly we label to much now adays. Love is love 🙂
LibitatheMemberI am in the first year of my first poly D/s triad. I’m not a fan of using labels, but if we don’t use them, how do I get introduced to their friends? in this situation, it would really help define our convoluted multi-level dynamics among the three of us. They would help sort out the ambiguity of our roles.
PannourParticipantBoth Zenocrate and TomatoBoobs have a similar vein of thought to mine. The partners I have dedicated to for life have decided, on their own, how they want to be introduced by me to others. Even though I have had a ceremony with both individuals, the person I am married to on paper is my “spouse”. My other partner is my “significant other”. I can’t label one as more primary than the other because we make decisions as a family; not two couples.
Doony1975ParticipantI met my current partner at a play party. We would both there with our partners at the time and we all became friends. Overtime he and I grew together as we grew apart from the people we had previously been with….
ThessalkyMemberI have a wife of 20+ years, a girlfriend of 10+ years, and have had several girlfriends/lovers over the last 30+ years. I can only remember a ~6 month period in my dating life when I was NOT poly, and that’s a story for another day/thread.
I love my wife and girlfriend equally. My offspring (Through wife) are in adulthood now, and have enjoyed seeing my girlfriend as well as her (recent) husband when she or they came by. It was an honor to be a member of their wedding party.
I’m not a fan of these labels either. I don’t believe that my girlfriend uses them either. At least, I haven’t heard her or her husband do so. After such a long time together, perhaps we don’t need to? She has always been my girlfriend and I her boyfriend. And our spice (Plural of spouse?) are either husband or wife accordingly.
What I would love to read, however, are stories from others about reactions and how introductions have been given to friends and family? (Obviously, from those who are already “Out” to these people.)
In my case, we are not out only with one set of family out of the four. It is a little tough on the one whose family is “In the dark”, but unfortunately, necessary. 🙁 Everyone else has had their own reactions to the news when it came, but all have seem to come to except it. Many have openly praised it.
SomparkMemberI’m happy with not having a primary in my life, and have been using the terminology secondary to refer to my lover(s).
But this seems inadequate, as if my choice to not have a primary is somehow lesser, which is not how I feel.
In this thread there is a reference to alternative terms, domestic and feral. I really like these, and will start to use feral as the form of poly I am interested in exploring. Does any one else relate to these terms, I’ve never come across them before?BTW, I REALLY like the idea of being feral with my poly lovers 🙂
Relly1960ParticipantI’ve been finding that I do use the term “primary” sometimes to refer to my girlfriend, who I’ve been with for longer, used to be monogamous with, and with whom I’m raising a child. What I like about the term is that it lets others know she’s not my only partner, and since we’re not actually married it’s more technically accurate than calling her my wife. But I don’t refer to my boyfriend as my “secondary” partner; I just call him my partner or my boyfriend. I don’t like the hierarchy that the terms primary/secondary imply, and I try not to invite that level of categorization into our lives.
AptantionMemberFrankly, I would be offended if I was called the domestic and another partner called the feral. It would make me feel worse than just being called secondary.
Ount1982MemberI hate the term primary and secondary and i do my best not to use them. I find it easier to either call them by there names or by there hair color when im talking about them to another person.
ThoillodyParticipantI personally find myself in the same situation as garden peach in that I am not married to my primary , and we used to be monogamous and are razing a child together. I prefer no labels …..but she is comforted by knowing she is my primary or main relationship… I don’t really like secondary though sometimes have used it as a descriptor. My other relationship was with a married woman who I referred to as my friend for years with off again on again great sex. once she tried labeling it as something more and my friend got jealous and possessive ruining the whole thing including the friendship which makes me really sad. But I think my friends bad relationship with her husband may have had a lot to do with it though.
definitely wish there were better words than primary and secondary though one obviously stayed when there became conflict between the two
ThoulsParticipantIn my experience your going to find a candy shop full of possibles to choose from. There are so many young and eager men wanting to have the pleasure that a fully trained Domina can give them.
Good to crap response ratio? Depending what your searching for mine personally was 50/50 pick and choose.
SaidinParticipantI have not used those terms but realistically that is what the relationships were all about. Both relations were where she pursued others on a regular basis, in other words each of my marriages were that way where she/they could date men as they wished. I chose not to date others but still had some liaisons where me and certain men would engage in adventures, so that is why I am saying we had primary (each one of us was our primary) and secondary relationships were where she exercised her right for extra marital (what some would call them) relationships. We both enjoyed the fact we were not indulging in situations where we had to hide things from the other or lie one to the other. I hope this helps in the discussion.
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