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Fromends
ParticipantFor some people these words hold meanings that don’t apply to my life. I don’t want to use words which could be interpreted as saying something about my personal life that is not actually true.
Although we arn’t really sure where we would b catagorized. We do not have an “open relationship” its more we would both choose someone to play with. We both agree on the someone and our own set of rules.
So, i would say that the terms i use are Marriage and we have a toy or lover…….Gesch1991
MemberDo you use these terms?
I usually try not to.
Why or why not?
I feel like it is slightly dehumanizing to my partners to try to “nail down” (if you will) a fluid relationship in such a way. There are instances for the sake of someone understanding that I am forced to use them, but I usually state how uncomfortable I am with using those terms.
What do they mean to you and your partner/s?
If I’m talking about my “Primary” would be the person that I have “heavy” life investments or entanglements with, such as has been stated before (marriage, shared expenses, things that are quantified as “normal” family stuff). The “Secondary” would be my other Boyfriend or Girlfriend, these are the people that know that I love them in my own way and that each of them have a special place in my life. However, there is also the understanding that if my “Primary” needs me those needs will come first. Usually this causes no issues for me, because I have been blessed with a partner who understands my needs as far as my perceived freedom goes, and does not invade my time with my “secondary” relationships.
What has been your experience with them?
My experience has been varied some take the terms at face value and others don’t, it is just a matter of finding a wording that makes everyone comfortable if not happy. The best compromise is where everyone is mostly content. (I mean really you can’t please everyone, though you sure as hell can try)
How do you feel about these terms?
As I said before I find them slightly dehumanizing considering how fluid human relationships are. The most important thing, in my opinion, is making sure your “secondary” knows they have a place in your life and that the place they have is special and important.
Do you have any opinion about other people using them?
The only preference I have is that people use them as infrequently as possible.
How do non-polys react when you use these terms?
My experience has been mostly shocking, I have several open minded friends that accept it, but there is always the donny downer. One of my closest friends from high school has “forbade” me from talking about any of my boyfriends and girlfriends to her, “If you must talk about them refer to them as friends and that is it.” is what she says. She loves to hear about my Fiancee though… it is all about perspective I suppose.
Harawas
ParticipantSometimes “primary” and “secondary” are the only appropriate terms. My lover is a married man, and his wife is a cuckquean.
She will always come first, and I will never rise above second. Not only are we all comfortable with this arrangement, but it helps keep things simple and clear.
And as a Kept Woman, being secondary to your lover can be extremely arousing.
For more about what I mean, visit my blog. http://KeptClose.blogspot.com/
Secondary isn’t always a negative thing. Being secondary can be beautiful.
Ribut1974
ParticipantIf I’m getting the gist of what you are saying correctly, labels more often than not obfuscate rather than clarify, so they should be used sparingly, but are occasionally necessary. I like this take on it, and would have to agree.
Priblefulth1985
ParticipantThanks so much! I really appreciate the link and your perspective.
Youripasted
MemberWe use the term primary to describe me, the wife. Because as someone mentioned earlier, the legal entanglements it involves.
Bressibity
ParticipantThank you very much for this take on this. I like the way you describe your take on this topic and the way that it resonates with me. I will gladly keep following this sticky post
Objer1951
MemberI hear ‘primary’ and think ‘favorite’, which I find somewhat hurtful. My partner and I try hard not to use these terms, yet find it tough because the fact of the matter is that, with his other relationship, there are various entanglements. I believe I would thrive best in familial poly situation, no question, but for now I try to work on not concerning myself with labels like these that have a negative meaning for me personally.
As far as others go, I don’t judge them based on what they do or don’t label their partners.
Trabut
ParticipantI have fallen out of favor with using the term secondary, though when I used it I used it to mean, my other relationships (all of their own strengths and flavors and commitments) who were not my primary. I defined primary as the person I make the rules with, the person who is more of a partnership than someone I am dating. I have taken to calling him my primary partner and other people my partners.
I find this unproblematic because it describes the situation. Being poly doesn’t mean all relationships have to have the same parts, “primary” to me means the solid one. The rock. The support. The one I grow with.
The others, they are gifts. Lovers, playmates, friends-I-can-kiss, but they are not the same.
I refuse to say that they will not evolve into primaries, and maybe eventually I will need to find a new word. But I don’t mind acknowledging that different relationships have different power to me.I also don’t mind that some people would prefer different words or all out free-love style, that’s just not what I happen to have.
Appirace
ParticipantI have a Polyamory relationship. I have been with my mate for going on 6 yrs and then I have my boyfriend who Ive been with going on 3 years. We all live together but boyfriend had his own room. My mate is my main but if people ask I just say I have my fiance and I have my boyfriend.
Thouls
ParticipantI have had some interesting conversations lately about all the different venues available to meet potential playmates.
I know of a few that have meet with great success and others that were a dismal failure.Such as:
CraigsList
Collarme (now using the old version of collarspace)
Plenty of Fish
Produce isle at the local store
Different local gatherings
Referrals from friends and family
ALTI have two questions. Did I miss a venue that you can think of and where did you meet your current partner?
Amych1956
MemberWhen I came into this discussion I was going to post on how do I pick my primary and secondary boyfriend i love them equally but after reading everyone ones post is just dont pick but i do see the benefit in a marriage.. but for right now I will just enjoy my men.. Thanks Guys!!
Tindst79
ParticipantI find inherently problematic using the term “Secondary” to define or refer to relationships because of the hierarchical preference it insinuates. For me, the “Primary” is the person I feel most connected to, a stable person that I have a deep intimate and trusting relationship with and can return to as a source of support. (“the person I make the rules with”) but I prefer to have a mutual understanding of where things stand and a continuous dialogue as things change instead of calling them a “Primary”.
The use of terms like “secondary” or “tertiary” seem to insinuate a tier of preference in terms of fulfilling needs. I understand how the language can be useful to poly couples or families with more structured relationships (or hot in a D/s context), but I prefer to keep an open dialogue with all partners as our relationships and needs/desires evolve. This can be tricky because everyone’s understanding of and associations with terminology used may differ somewhat, but open discourse is essential to making any relationship work, poly or otherwise.
Whadvated
ParticipantJust wanted to let everyone here know how helpful this discussion has been for me. the poly couple i have been talking to has insisted that i need to choose a primary, and it is relieving to know that others feel the way that i do about this. that is, that choosing a primary and secondary feels like it is denoting a hierarchy or indicating the relative strength of feeling for each partner.
Your words especially resonated with me. why compare them? enjoy each relationship for what it is and each individual for who they are.
thank you ^^
Thedidismind
ParticipantFor me it is important to let the 3rd person know that they are getting into a “Secondary” relationship to be sure it is what they want. My “Primary” relationship is a very involved one and we have major and minor life decisions that we make together, they may sometimes affect our “Secondary” but they are our decisions to make between the two of us. Why would we want to add any stress to our “Secondary” relationship, I think “Secondaries” should be more about enjoying life simply
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