What is BDSM


 Co-author Janet W. Hardy describes BDSM as “an activity in which the participants eroticize sensations or emotions that would be unpleasant in a non-erotic context.”  That’s the exact reason why BDSM is so attractive; all the pain, humiliation and degradation in BDSM is done in a way that breeds intimacy between the participants. The use of the term BDSM was first recorded 1991 and is interpreted as a combination of 3 abbreviations, namely B/D, D/s and S/M which we’ll discuss below, Nowadays, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase, covering a wide range of activities. Over the years, sex and kink educators have come up with a few definitions for BDSM. For example,

BDSM isn’t always about sexual intercourse. Instead, these encounters are called Scenes (For example, you had a scene or you scened with someone). Also, as BDSM can involve more than the usual sexual bodily fluid exchange – such as blood, urine or anal mucous – it’s important that everyone gets STD tests regularly and discloses the results with their partner.

What Does BDSM Stand for

Bondage & Discipline / Domination & submission / Sadism & Masochism (BDSM) is a broad category of bedroom play. It can be rough or soft depending on what your partner considers sexy and a turn-on. Everyone is different and for this very reason, it’s super important that you have a serious conversation and set some boundaries before engaging in any act.

People who practice BDSM on a regular basis in any forms are known as “lifestylers”, especially if they interact and socialize with other BDSM lovers. They often form a community of like-minded people who discuss topics related to BDSM and sometimes get down with other couples or partners.

The BDSM label applies to many types of sexual play that don’t fall inside the vanilla genre. Vanilla refers to sexual intercourse in the simplest manner. That being said, any kind of kink toys (even a silky blindfold or furry handcuffs) falls in the BDSM category; this means if you’ve ever been blindfolded or used a soft tie to bind your partners’ hands above their head, you’ve engaged in a light version of BDSM.

BDSM, Active Consent & Safe Word

When a couple practice active consent, it means they never attempt any sexual act without asking first and they pay close attention to each other during sex just in case something that usually feels good happens to feel bad and vice versa. Part of practicing active consent involves negotiating the terms of the sexual encounter.
The negotiated rules can be as firm as, “I don’t like being spanked at all, so I ask you to never spank me on any part of my body.” Or someone might decide to try a certain activity while having the option to stop if they become uncomfortable, either mentally or physically, “I might like being penetrated with large toys, and we’ve never tried vaginal fisting. Please go slowly and use lots of lube, and I’ll tell you to stop if I don’t like it.”

Before starting participating in any scene, you and your partner should agree on a safe word; a special word or designated movement (for when the sub is gagged) which sends the message that there’s some sort of problem and the scene needs to stop immediately. The safe word needs to be something you usually don’t scream during intense moments. A great choice would be the traffic light system (of course, it only works if the sub is no gagged). Namely:

  1. Red: immediately stop
  2. Yellow: getting near my limits
  3. Green: keep going

Now that you know how to stay safe, let’s take a look at some common aspects of BDSM.

 What is Bondage

A tied-up body part is probably what comes to mind when you think of BDSM. Bondage plays a huge role in BDSM as it can range from loosely-wrapped tie around the wrists to beautiful intricate Shibari rope designs you’ve probably seen on the internet and in some movies.
If you’re new to BDSM, start with simple silk ties to practice bondage. Easy-release handcuffs and super-soft ropes are also good options for beginners. If you’re dying for more and want to make art with the rope, you can reach out to a professional rigger s— someone who has years of experience in binding and tying safely.

You can buy rope, tape, handcuffs, etc. Or you can even improvise and use a scarf or a belt.
Bondage is the core of BDSM as you can mix it with other aspects of BDSM to lighten things up.

Be careful with bondage as if done incorrectly, super tight and body-bending bondage can cause long-term nerve damage and serious injuries. We recommend you to stay away from the rougher stuff until you know what exactly you’re doing or at least you’re being supervised by a professional. Also, never leave your partner tied up alone. If you really need to leave, make sure you can hear your partner if they call out to you. Also, never ever leave someone alone gagged and tied up.

What is Discipline

Discipline in BDSM is a practice where the Dominant sets a couple of rules for the submissive and expects him/her to obey them at all times. When the rules are broken, punishment follows which is often used as a means of disciplining.

Rules can be set so that a sub knows how to behave so that the Dominant is not displeased. Rules can also be used to remind the subs of their inferior status or to train a novice sub. Punishments can range from physical pain (such as spanking, biting, etc.) or psychological pain (public humiliation, bathroom control, etc.)

The goal here is to teach your sub that they have made a mistake and should improve in the future. The punishment is usually related to the mistake and its severity and frequency. For example, a good punishment for speaking out of turn might be silencing the sub using a gag. If the sub continues making this mistake, you can increase the severity by deepthroating for the duration you decide. If the sub still repeats this mistake, you can still increase the severity by canning, or you can cage your sub.
You can also give the sub the permission to choose the punishments.

Discipline, even the harshest ones, shouldn’t be confused with sadism and masochism (which will be explained later on). Punishment for disciplining is a response to violating pre-determined rules. It’s a necessity in BDSM as, without it, the sub might repeat the same mistakes over and over and thus not improving as a sub.

Domination & submission

The letter D in BDSM stands for both Discipline and Domination, the latter being one of the core aspects of BDSM. Basically, someone who identifies as a sexual Dominant (Dom) likes to be in charge. The submissive (sub) enjoys submitting to the Dom.

Notice how the letter D in Dominant and Dom are always capital and the letter S is not. This shows the superiority of the Dom over the sub.

Some couples enjoy having a set of rules that the sub must follow or face punishments which are always discussed and agreed upon before (See below). The punishments include but are not limited to: Physical pain, humiliation, etc.
No matter how Dominant or submissive you choose to play, consent and communication is a must as the sub’s freedom might be limited and obviously, the sub must fully consent.
There are some risks with Domination & submission. Since it’s mostly a mental activity, many of the associated risks involve mental health. Some examples are:

  • Abusive dominant partner (physically and mentally)
  • Self-hating sub
  • Dominant partners who try to isolate the sub from society

Sadism and Masochism (Sadomasochism)

This is where BDSM might get scary to some, but assuming you both agree on the terms and they’re not dangerous in the long-term, both you and your partner can enjoy Sadism and Masochism.
Sadomasochism means receiving pleasure from either giving or receiving pain and/or humiliation. The goal of some practitioners of sadomasochism might be an orgasm.

While the terms masochist and sadist refer respectively to one who enjoys receiving or giving pain, practitioners might switch activity and passivity.

Usually the Dom is the sadist; he/she gets turned on by watching their sub humiliated or receive pain.

A masochist, however, gets turned on by having some intense acts done to them. Just like every other part of BDSM, the level of pain and discomfort must be pre-determined by both the sub and the Dom. Some lighter forms can include tickling, using a vibrator, lightly scratching your partner with your nails, etc.

More extreme forms can involve extreme tickling until your partner says the safe word, using the vibrator on is highest setting to force an orgasm, scratching your partner until you draw blood, etc.

A popular part of BDSM which falls under sadomasochism is impact play, a fancy term for spanking and slapping. It can be turned up or dialed down depending on what feels good. The reason why spanking makes you feel good is because when you spank or smack any part of one’s body (whether it be light or with force), blood rises to the skin’s surface which results in intensifying any sort of touch applied afterwards.
To test this theory, give yourself a light (or hard, as you prefer) smack on your arm or leg three to four times, wait to allow blood to flow into the area, and use something tactile, a feather or hairbrush to drag over the area. It feels sensitive and amazing, doesn’t it?
For those of you who are not a great fan of typical spanking, you can still make use of this aspect of BDSM play to add another dimension to your sexual sensations.

What is Kink

At a time, kinky sex and kink was deemed to be inappropriate and many people wouldn’t even talk about it. In some cases, talking about kinky acts was even enough to make people blush. Today, however, things have changed. You’re reading an article on kink and BDSM right now.
Kink is a term used to describe a wide range of sexual activities that are considered to be unconventional. While BDSM is the first thing that comes to mind we hear the word kink, it’s far from the only kinky practice out there. Spanking, dripping candle wax on skin, orgies, swinging and role-playing are often considered to be kinky, as are some sex toys and unusual sex positions.

Anything not kinky is considered to be vanilla.

What is Master/Slave

In BDSM, Master/slave is a relationship in which one party serves the other in an authority-exchange structured relationship.

Unlike Domination & submission in which love is the core value, service and obedience are often the core values in Master/slave relationships. The participants may be of any sexual orientation and gender, and the term “slave” indicates ownership rights of a master or mistress over their slave(s).

Males are usually referred to as Master and females who play this rule are called both Master or Mistress based on their preference.

In a BDSM context, sexual slavery is both a sexual roleplay and sexual fantasy. The slave and master might both be any person or group, though the majority of such relationships usually consist of either one master, or a master couple, owning one or more slaves. The sex slave and the owner and others involved in the relationship can be of any gender and sexual orientation.

Some slaves are not only submissive in a sexual context, but also within other or all aspects of a relationship.

Also known as Owner/property, in such relationships the submissive is normally considered the slave. This is not to be confused with Dominant/submissive relationships as the subs might not consider themselves to be slaves in such relationships.
In Master/slave relationships, slave training is common. It involves a consensual power exchange between two or more people, each taking a role. The objective of slave training is to change the slave’s behavior in a way that is pleasing to the Master or Mistress.

What Does it Mean to be Collared?

Being collared can mean different things to different people. For some, it’s a new beginning in their BDSM journey. For others, however, it’s a step in the training process and it all depends on the Dominant person as every Dom has a different way of doing things and setting the rules.

There are some rules to be followed:

  • A collar is received by the sub and given by the Dom.
  • The collar is the property of the Dom and it should be returned upon request.
  • A collared sub is off-limits to all others.
  • It’s not a toy and a collar should be treated with respect.
  • A collar can only be removed by the Dom if the journey ends.

It’s confusing for a sub to know how to get to the point of being collared because there’s no formula you can use and arrive at a certain point. Every Dom will handle this step of BDSM differently. Some may not even use a collar, but rather a jewelry, a definitive mark like a piercing or tattoo, etc.

Many lifestylers take months or even years to reach this point in their journey as this isn’t something to rush into. For many, it’s considered to be a bond even greater than marriage.

In most cases, a collar is earned, not collected. It’s earned when the slave obeys the Dom, completes the training process and advances in the relationship. There’s no specific method and it shouldn’t be rushed as it should be something both parties want.

The important meaning in being collared is that it’s something both you and your partner should value. A collar is a symbol of the slave’s commitment and often love and devotion to the Dom.
For that reason, some couples even decide to have a ceremony. It can be a private affair or it can be witnessed by close friends. It’s taken seriously and there’s no right or wrong way to do it. You can even decide to have a party afterwards.

What is Subspace?

Subspace is often represented by feelings, actions, thoughts and images brought on by endorphin and adrenaline waves that may occur during a scene. All practitioners in BDSM can experience subspace but it’s more common in subs. Dominants who experience this phenomenon tend to report more of an energy high which indicates greater adrenaline spikes. Subs who experience it report mental and emotional highs which are consistent with greater endorphin spikes. Subspace has different levels which are achieved through manipulation of endorphin by both parties, though those who practice more can achieve deeper states through use of psychological processing and different techniques. The most differentiations of subspace are listed below:

  • Reception
    It can bring on a greater level of social compliance with a status role which is dependent upon personality traits. This is often accompanied by touching your partner’s face and hair, looking at the mouth, sexual or general arousal, increased levels of trust, and mirroring the behavior of each other in different aspects of the relationship.
  • Trance
    This state will cause breathing and the mental process to become slower, or dulled, similar to a state that mediation brings. Use of a safe word and rational thoughts may become difficult or impossible during this stage. At this stage, it’s extremely recommended to have a safe gesture that lets your partner know you’re reaching this state. Behaviors resulting from Trance may include:

    • drooling
    • moaning
    • ecstatic laughter
    • guttural growling
    • intense sobbing
  • Flying
    Also called roaring void or deep space, this experience takes one far past a typical trance. It’s often deemed incomprehensible by those who experience it. Medically, it’s referred to as an endorphin shock. Flying is considered the end result of a series of chemical and emotional load released into the body during play over an extended period of time. Some report the results to be similar to descriptions of an out of body experience and are often interpreted as spiritual. Often times, the sub is entirely unresponsive and cannot communicate via safe words and safe signals. If this happens, it’s time for the scene to stop and gently moving into aftercare.

Aftercare

Aftercare refers to special attention given to your partner (usually the sub) at the end of a scene. It often includes the Dom (or sub) utilizing various pampering techniques on either party to provide comfort after having an intense experience which can leave an individual, whether Dom or sub, in a vulnerable state.

It’s important that you and your partner negotiate aftercare to set any boundaries or requirements. The amount and type of aftercare each individual requires is different and also vary with frequency of play, closeness of you and your partner, types of scenes, fantasy elements at play, intensity of the scene, etc.

Aftercare varies between individuals and thus there’s no correct nor incorrect method of aftercare.

Many don’t wish to embrace aftercare at all. Some would prefer to be left alone, while others prefer not to be touched at all while having some company. There are even people who’d like some form of humiliation or degradation as aftercare to constitute part of their fantasy. Again, there’s no right way to aftercare but it’s important to negotiate before a scene occurs to create a safe space after the scene ends so that both you and your partner benefit from aftercare.

Aftercare’s primary benefit is to ensure your partner feels safe and secure. It can also be a wonderful experience for the provider; it can strengthen your relationship as it shows you both value each other.

For some, a lack of aftercare is detrimental psychologically and physically.