Step Four: Aftercare & “Debriefing”
Many of these sessions can be emotionally (not only physically) exhausting and draining. So please take care of your partner after! Make sure she/he is physically okay, get them water if they need, check for any markings/bruises/cuts that may require any care if applicable, etc.
Help them get out of the Dom/sub space – hug, kiss, cuddle/spoon, tell them you love them, watch a movie, etc. Also, don’t forget that the one dominating may require aftercare as well! Sometimes Doms feel bad or guilty for “hurting” their partner (even though everything was perfectly consensual and enjoyed!) – they may need positive reassurance that their partner enjoyed being dominated and encouragement that it was a pleasurable experience.
Another thing that is great to do (especially if you’re just starting out) is to discuss how the session went – talk about things that you both enjoyed, ask what things you did not like, etc. This allows you to progress and really hone in on what kinds of things you both are into, what kind of dynamic you’d like, things that you definitely want to keep exploring in the future, changes in intensity level for certain acts (maybe you discover you have a higher pain tolerance when aroused and you’d like to be spanked harder!), things you don’t want to try again in the future, and so on. Remember, open and good communication is one of the MOST essential aspects when incorporating Dom/sub play in the bedroom!
About This Guide
So because this is only a beginner’s guide meant for those who are just starting out or are interested in a light domination-submission dynamic to add to their bedroom play, I’m not going to delve into anything really BDSM-intensive (i.e. flogging/whipping, extreme breath control, knife play, blood play, etc.).
Also, an important aspect to consider is that a lot of times “dominating” doesn’t just mean having “rougher” sex, a lot of the time it’s about the attitude you covey, the words you say, the look you give – a firm grip on the wrists and positioning it above a partner’s head while you growl something naughty in their ear may be more effective than simply aggressive PIV fucking. You don’t need to be much h2er and bigger to dominate a partner either. Keep this in mind – it’s all about the dynamic!
Another part of this guide will include some suggestions/examples of “dirty talk” throughout the guide of things you can say while engaging in a dominating act (they will be added in quotations). A lot of examples may include terms like “slut/whore/slave” – please note that these terms can have EXTREMELY negative reactions and be an immediate turn-off for many women. Please substitute them with more positive terms if that is what your partner prefers (i.e. “good girl/pet/slave”, “sweetheart”, “angel”, “baby girl”) – for more detailed suggestions, consult the “Erotic Verbal Degradation” versus “Praise/Compliments” sections.
In addition, unfortunately this guide was written with the perspective of a male dominating his female partner, so I apologize for the limited perspective of male Dom/female sub heterosexual relationship. Also, the suggestions in this specific guide are strictly from “what the Dom can do” perspective; there will be a separate guide for suggestions on “what the sub can do.”
Lastly, I cannot stress enough is that EVERY INDIVIDUAL IS DIFFERENT, EVERY COUPLE IS DIFFERENT. This guide is NOT a guaranteed crowd pleaser, please do not assume that you can just follow the steps and your partner is going to love it – I can guarantee that there will be readers who will hate what is written here or find the dirty-talking ridiculous and silly. These are just some suggestions and recommendations based on experience, discussions with others, and getting feedback from people who have enjoyed these kinds of activities or have Dom/sub (moderate/less extreme) fantasies. And I’m hoping some people will find it helpful/interesting. But again this will ALWAYS vary from partner to partner.
Now let’s get things started! 😉
Used with permission from http://apolloniasaintclair.tumblr.com/
- Push/pin her against the wall/floor/table/desk/bed. You can also push/pin her against whatever hard surface with her back facing you and her front pressed against the wall/floor/table/desk/bed) and play with her from behind. Hold down her wrists with a firm grip (above her head, behind her back, down by her sides). Lean your body weight against her to create the feeling like you are dominating her body. Push your knee between her legs and roughly spread them wide. “Spread wide for me, sweetheart.” “I want your legs spread open for me. Are we clear?”
- Manhandle her. Put your hands all over her as if you can’t get enough. Grab her breasts, squeeze her ass, cup her crotch. Worship her body with a kind of “animalistic” raw need. “God I love this hot/sexy/perfect/tight ass of yours.” “This hot/sexy/perfect/tight ass/body of yours is all mine tonight.” “You have the hottest/sexiest/most perfect/tightest little body ever.” “Your body is mine to fuck however I want.” “I can’t wait to fuck you.”
- Kiss her like you need it to breathe. Grab her chin or the back of her neck, and pull her mouth to yours. Plunge your tongue in her mouth. Try biting gently/nibble on her bottom lip or tongue.
- Run your fingers through her hair and pull gently. Tug her hair so that it forces her to look up at you, give her a sexy smirk, and kiss her roughly. Alternatively, tug her hair so it tilts/turns her head to the side to allow you to suck/kiss/nibble along her neck/shoulder blades/collarbones.
- Tip: Grabbing small bits of hair makes hair-pilling more painful, larger chunks less so. Pulling at the base of the hair is also less painful than pulling at the ends.
- Grind your hips against her crotch or between her ass cheeks (if you have her front pressed against something and her back facing you), let her feel your arousal pressed against her. “Can you feel how hard you make me?” “Fuck, you make me so hard.” “I can’t wait to shove this [grind your crotch into her] into that sweet pussy of yours.” “God I need/want to be inside of you.”
- Play with her clothed. Slide your hand down her shirt and grope her breasts, or even squeeze her through her bra until she’s desperate for the skin-on-skin contact. Grab the sides of her pants (or belt holes if her pants permit) and pull her against your crotch so you can grip her ass. Rub her crotch through her pants/panties. Slide your hand down her pants (or up her skirt/dress) and slip a finger(s) through her panties and give her a slow fingering. “Something wrong sweetheart? Why are you getting so wet?” “I love how wet you’re getting for me.” “Look how wet you are/you’re getting. What/You’re such a dirty little slut/whore.”
Taking it Further
- Scratching: Use your fingernails and scratch along her back/shoulders/breasts/stomach. Or lightly dig your nails into her ass/back/legs.
- Biting: Bite along her neck/shoulder blades/collarbones/inner thighs. Alternate with light kisses or tongue flicks. Bite her nipples, alternate with licking, swirling your tongue around the nipple, and sucking.
- Spanking: Slap her ass. Try mixing it up, don’t just spank her a billion times (unless that is what she prefers): spank, rub her ass with the palm of your hand/grip it with your hand, slap it, etc. “I fucking love your tight little ass.” “This beautiful ass is all mine…in fact I think I should leave a mark so you’ll remember who it belongs to [slap].”
- Pinching: Give her nipples a quick pinch with your fingers. Alternate with gentle licking/sucking/kissing, and biting. Give her ass/breasts/sides a quick stinging squeeze as you play with her body.
- Alternate between pain and pleasure: Whether you’re scratching, biting, spanking, or pinching, try alternating with gentle acts (i.e. kissing, sucking/licking, caressing) on that same body part that you’ve inflicted pain on. The sensations as you shift from giving pain and pleasure can be really arousing.
- If you choose to leave marks (through scratching, biting, or sucking hard): “I love marking your perfect little body.” “You’re mine, every time you see this mark, you better remember that.” [As with everything, some girls really do not want any visible body markings, so please keep that in mind before you start leaving hickeys, bite/scratch marks anywhere!]
- Gagging: Gag her with a piece of cloth, some kind of ball-gag, duct-tape, etc. [Personal favorite is getting fucked with panties on, then having them taken off, and shoved in my mouth as a gag]. “I love seeing that perfect/pretty little mouth of yours stuffed up.” “You’re/My dirty little slut is being far too loud, I’m going to have to find a way to shut that perfect/pretty little mouth of yours up.”
- Safety point: Because your mouth will be gagged, you must have a “safe gesture” (or if you both come up with an established “noise” – i.e. her making a ‘mmhpf’ sound three times in succession) as a sign to stop if things get too much.
- Orgasm Denial: Bring her to the edge of orgasm. “Do you want to cum?” Force her to say yes, then: “I want to hear you beg for it.” Make her beg. “Louder.” Make her beg some more. “Good girl…” Proceed to make her cum (with your tongue, fingers, cock, a toy, whatever). Or tease her some more… “No I don’t think I’ll let you just yet…” “Not good enough, you’ll have to be more convincing/persuasive.” “I love how desperate you are. I think I’m just going to have fun teasing you some more…”
- If you cannot tell when she is about to cum, get her to tell you when she’s close/on the edge. When she tells you, stop your ministrations to make her beg, and give it enough time for her to “come down” from the edge, and then begin teasing her again. Also, try to pay attention to verbal and nonverbal cues (i.e. change in breathing rate, body flush, gripping of sheets/you, different kinds of moaning/gasping/whimpering, etc.) when she’s about to cum so you can start getting an idea of when she’s reached that point for future reference.
- Forced Orgasms: When you know your girl is about to cum: “I want you to cum NOW.” “Come for me, baby.” After you’ve made her cum, “Have you had enough?…I don’t think you have. I want you to cum again for me.” “I want to feel you soak my fingers/cock/tongue with your delicious juices.” “I fucking love making you cum, I think I want to do it again…” [Make her cum again.]
- Tip: Using a sex toy really helps in this case in case your tongue/fingers/penis get tired! Also note: Some girls become really sensitive after coming, and don’t enjoy any further stimulation after.
- Make her pleasure you: Force her on her knees and suck you off. “Get on your knees now.” “You’re going to suck me until I’m satisfied.” “Suck me with that talented/pretty/perfect little mouth of yours.”
- Make her taste herself: After you finger her, place your finger(s) in her mouth, and get her to clean them off. Or if you’ve been using your penis, pull out and get her to clean off your cock. “I want you to taste yourself.” “You’re such a horny little slut, you’ve practically drenched/coated my fingers/cock in your juices. Clean me off.”
- Have sex with clothes on. This is ideal if she’s wearing a dress/skirt – hike up her dress/skirt and fuck her like that. If she has pants, pull them off roughly. Move her panties aside (but don’t take them off!) and screw her like that. “Look how wet you’re making your panties…you’re such a dirty little slut/whore/slave.” While fucking, enjoy groping her through her clothes – slide your hands up/down her shirt to squeeze her breasts, slip your hands through her panties to squeeze her ass, etc.